I’m taking a little break from here for a few days.
I have messages in my inbox, I’ll get back to you guys when I can.
A group of girls in town for a golf tournament were in my shop today. There were about 10 of them, here from Loyola in Chicago. As soon as I read their hats my mind instantly went to “Oh my god, i’ve been there! I’ve been there! I could tell them where my favorite little shop is in edgewater…the one where I bought a vase for sunflowers, and they would know what I was talking about!” And then it sunk in, they knew that place, the place I dream about in different variations at least twice awake. At least one of them has sat on the bench tucked between a little restaurant and a huge condominium. The same one I sat on to read beside the lake because the tall building provided shade from the scorching heat. They walk across the street from that apartment building to get groceries at Dominic’s. The same street that someone stopped me to read a text message for them because they couldn’t read english. They may have sat across the table from him at Metropolis. Did he know any of them? Do they share friends? These 10 girls who have traveled 800 miles and were now standing infront of me happen to live within a block of the boy who took my life and shook it like a child shakes a lightening bug in a mason jar. Mind you….Chicago, population of nearly 2.8 million people….and they live within a block.
I don’t know why stuff like that triggers me. It makes the anxiety in my gut click back on. I start to think of my first trip there, back in June when I was visiting in order to “start another chapter”. And then, going back in August to kill the book all together. After 4 years of caring with every fiber of my being, I don’t care anymore. I only care when he’s happy because he doesn’t deserve to be. It kind of reminds me of something I read on a post a few months ago “I haven’t held your hand in eight months and the human skin replenishes every twenty-seven days. You’ve never touched this skin and I don’t think you ever will.”
It’s been 6 months, and i’m still trying to figure out how to live in this new skin. Trying to figure out feelings I have had that I don’t understand, good and bad. I’m trying to figure out who I am…what actually liked or what I liked because of him. Trying to figure out how this whole dating thing works.
The set backs like today tho…the reminders, the dreams.
I’m sure it doesn’t help that I am in love with the city that holds the bane of my existence.
We all seek, life’s purpose and meaning,
love, peace and joy,
and knowledge, wealth and power…❞